Poetry Power: “absence.”

Editor’s note: The Olympian begins publishing student artwork with this poem by junior Hope Leong. “This piece was written during one of the many times in which I found focusing on my tasks felt incredibly difficult. Switching between slipping into an existential train of thought and being hyper-aware of my surroundings, writing is sometimes the only way I can convey the scramble of sensations and thoughts,” she wrote.

absence.

paralyzing weight

nothingness

yet the entirety of existence lays to rest upon my head

peacefully resting

toying with my hair

chaos without a budge

the fear of insignificance

disintegration

indescribable uncertainty

when knowledge felt like power

but now only feels like a weapon

a burden

clicking

flicking

ticking

disassociation 

doubt

death

realism haunting my dreams

trying to run from the nightmares

so when am i truly awake?

expectations upon myself

the gap between me and my potential

musn’t let it kill me

helplessness sinks in

make it stop

insecurity feasting upon my triumph

where do these words come from?

the dreariness of the day?

or the melancholy of my heart?

thoughts and feelings changing like the rain

unpredictable but beautiful

calm but violent

to be comfortable and productive

having one sometimes means the absence of the other

wish to slip into the zone as if they were my covers

the unparalleled joy that rain brings me

warmth from within

soaking into nature without expectation

wild attraction

screwing with my sanity

destined to thrive in the world of imagination

affirmations begin to set in

the ones that match that of a physical hug

truly making me feel just a little bit okay

sometimes i wish it was enough to just be a good person to survive

not that anyone is truly good

nor is anyone truly bad

the fluidity of existence is something that our labels will always fail to contain

realizing that almost everything is a social construct

how liberating is it to know that you do have a choice

only beginning to love myself

truly

but that’s enough

trying to be content 

to be okay with how it really is

otherwise running in the opposite direction

anxious

overwhelmed

disassociating

productive

focused

flying

depressed

stuck

hopeless

hyperactive

uncontrollable

exhausting

the nuances of moods

once again 

even in the absence of the rain

water tapping on the window or feet tapping on the floor

thunder rumbling from the clouds or stomachs rumbling from missed meals

lightning cracking in the sky or knuckles cracking in the silence

metaphorical monstrosity 

simply what comes out of my mind

unsure of where to stop

within the absence of my sanity

comes clarity

only of more questions about reality