Pennies aren’t as worthless as you think

Pennies get a bad rep. So what they’re heavy and useless? They are also more expensive to make than they are worth. I for one like that they virtually cannot facilitate the exchange of goods and services. I think that it adds a sort of rustic charm to them.

According to a CBS News report, it costs roughly 1.5 cents to produce one penny, but that’s not the point here, folks. The point is that I, like many other beautiful patriots, sleep easy at night knowing that there is a heavenly portrait shot of our sixteenth president lying on the side of those breathtaking zinc discs. I don’t mean to sound dramatic here, but if penny production ends, I can confidently predict that there will be a swift end to Western Civilization. There will be a revolution like the world has not seen since 1776. Back to my main topic, pennies are vital to the American Lifestyle.

I will admit, these concerns of pennies do have some validity. How do our everyday heroes in government plan on solving it? Well, that’s a good question everyone, I’m glad you asked. In 2010, Congress told the National Mint (and I’m paraphrasing here), “Hey guys can you make these cost less? Thanks.” God. What Heroes. Anyway, the Mint got back to Congress a brisk four years later and told them “There are no alternative metal compositions that reduce the manufacturing unit cost of the penny below its face value.” Darn it all, have some courage you bureaucrat cowards! Think of something, anything else! Maybe try wood, or rocks or DVD copies of the “Friends” spinoff, “Joey.” Y’know, things that are actually worthless.

But maybe pennies are worthless. Maybe being an outdated, unusable piece of currency that is a net loss in cost from the start is grounds for that currency’s termination. Maybe the fact that Canada, Australia, New Zealand, and even the U.S. The fact that military have removed their one-cent pieces with no negative repercussions is evidence enough that it would not, in fact, be the end of the world if pennies stopped existing. But who am I kidding? That’s just crazy talk.

Here’s a compelling argument: without pennies, how are we going to have penny drives? The answer is, you can’t. What’s that? A nickel drive? Don’t be ridiculous. I can barely get the phrase “nickel drive” out of my mouth, it is just too clunky. “Penny drive” on the other hand rolls right off the tongue. I am telling you, nothing feels better than scrounging up one thousand of those Lincoln-marked bad boys and exchanging them for a whopping ten whole dollars. Who cares if a nickel drive of the same quantity would already be five times more lucrative? Without the extra grip from those ridges on the edge of the coin, I might as well be holding a greased pig.

If you can take anything from my writing, I hope it is the ideals of standing up for those who are oppressed, giving a voice to the voiceless, fighting those who stand in the way of peace and justice, and most importantly, fighting to keep the penny.