Tommy the Trojan, beloved CVHS mascot, publishes memoir
By Olive Dooley and Drew Paxman
Tommy the Trojan, CVHS’ mascot, is planning to publish his debut novel and memoir, “Life in the Lunch Line or: How I’ve Been Silenced and Learned to Accept My Own Voice as a Mascot to a School which is Pretty Cool” in April 2023. Co-written by Ernest Hemingway’s Ghost, published by Maloney Publications, and edited by Rachel Maddow, the memoir covers Tommy’s entire life, from his childhood to his time here at CVHS.
“When Rachel first asked me if I wanted to write a memoir of my life, I was confused. I said, ‘Rach what about my life is worth talking about?’ And she was like ‘Tommy boy you changed my life at CVHS. And I think people oughta know your story,’” said Tommy.
In anticipation of the release of the memoir, Olympian greats Olive Dooley and Drew Paxman sat down with Tommy in his mansion on his private island in Lake Chabot. The interview was very exclusive—our reporters were instructed to wear green and gold and scream “Who’s your daddy? Castro Valley!” continually while treading water. But alas, despite some struggles—including Dooley’s lack of buoyancy—Tommy allowed us to enter and began to share his life with us.
Tommy the Trojan was born in Ancient Troy to Tessa and Timothy Trojan. His brother is the famous Timmy the Trojan and his sister is Taylor the Swifty Trojan.
When Tommy was two, this stupid boy named Paris wanted to marry a pretty girl. So he gave a golden apple to someone and then the war started. Timothy, Sr. was one of the first to enlist. But then he died.
“I knew I had to go to war when I heard my dad died,” explained Tommy. “It was the only way I could honor him.”
But little did Tommy know what lay in store for him—his stint on the battlefield would be so short-lived. When Tommy was fast asleep in the Ancient City of Troy, he heard a loud knock on the city doors. Tommy looked through the peephole to see a giant wooden horse. Perplexed, for wooden horses were so last spring, Tommy thought it best not to open the gates. His battle-mates, however, disagreed. They opened the door and let in the massive trojan horse—which resulted in the bloodiest battle of the Trojan War.
“This was the first time I was silenced,” said Tommy. “But it would not be the last.”
At the end of the Trojan War, Tommy was cast away. With a heavy heart and broken legs, he started his journey to sunny Los Angeles. After an eventful disembarkment with another famous person who hopped off a plane at LAX with a dream (and a cardigan), Tommy found himself at the gates of the University of Southern California (USC).
“I remember Tommy very well,” reflected USC alumnus Zac Efron. “I had been getting out of Tax Fraud 101 and I saw him, sitting under the Tommy Trojan statue looking dejected.”
Tommy had joined the 87 percent of applicants and been rejected as USC’s mascot. When asked, the USC Secret Task Force for Choosing a Mascot stated that Tommy’s lack of a high school diploma was the reason. With more prodding, we were able to discover that Tommy would’ve also been offered admittance had he presented admissions with a large chunk of money.
Defeated and dejected, Tommy left the USC campus. His broken legs and beaten heart trudged through the streets of La La Land. His eyes stared at the cracked pavement as he walked seemingly endlessly. But it was in these moments—the darkest and most filled with despair that a smidgen of light entered Tommy’s life. On the ground, lying next to forgotten Erewhon strawberry smoothies and unfinished iced coffees, lay a copy of The Olympian. He flipped through the faded pages of student work, mesmerized by the dedication and skill shown in the tattered pages. The impressive quality of work wasn’t the only gem though, inside the paper was an ad, an ad that said that CVHS was looking for a new mascot.
Excited and in tears of joy, Tommy ran to Castro Valley without any hesitation. (He literally ran the 361 miles.) Yet, despite this week-long mild jog, Tommy still made it to CVHS full of energy and in time for mascot tryouts. However, the long trek was not the least of his worries, he had to face the ultimate challenge: surviving tryouts with Maya Wong.
“We had them do rigorous intervals of backflips, agility ladders, picture-taking, and crowd-cheering,” recalled Wong. “Pretty simple stuff for me, but for pure amateurs—please!”
At the end of the day, Tommy was a shoo-in for the job. He impressed the judges, the coaches, and every other contender for the job. Samantha the Sloth, Bernard the Bumbling Bee, The Thunderous Thunderbolt Thatcher, and the Bishop O’Dowd Dragon all agreed that Tommy was the best man for the job.
“Tommy was a standout out of all the people who auditioned,” said Wong. “He was able to pick up the choreography incredibly fast and added his own personal flair to everything that he did. I’ve never been more impressed with a candidate, especially his mustache.”
Now thirty years later, Tommy is still going strong. He has formed strong bonds with the students of CVHS and continues to be a source of inspiration for each and every one of them.
“Tommy has been my muse these past four years,” senior and Olympian great Zoe Dorado shared. “Without him, I can’t imagine that I would be the person I am today. He has taught me so much about poetry and literature—I don’t know what I would’ve done without him.”
Tommy is an inspiration to all, his life has not only been just as a mascot or a soldier—but also as a soon to be best selling author and inventor of Tommy Balm, a de-aging lotion (also with SPF-50) that makes you look 2,000 years younger. Tommy (and us) highly recommend that you buy a few bottles! (Use code TommyBalmForever to pay two times as much as a donation to Tommy.)
“I love Tommy Balm! It’s so incredible and makes my skin so smooth. That’s how I was able to do tryouts for Tommy thirty years ago and still be in high school now,” shared Wong.
Editor’s Note: Since the publication of this article, Tommy Balm has been discontinued after a study from the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) found high levels of tears from depressed and overworked juniors and seniors in the cream ingredients. If you are found with Tommy Balm on the CVHS campus, the item will be confiscated and sent to the Kennedy Space Center where NASA will blast it to the former planet Pluto.